In the spirit of Halloween, I thought I’d tackle one of my absolute favorite topics ever. Zombies. In particular, zombie movies.

Now, my taste isn’t squarely in the “horror” aspect of zombiedom. I’m a well rounded fan, but I enjoy humor a bit more than I enjoy oh-shit-turn-the-movie-off-I-can’t-watch-anymore grotesqueness.

That being said, here are my top five … starting at the BOTTOM:

Peter Jackson before he was LOTR Peter Jackson. This movie has it all. Infected Rhesus Monkey, exploding zombie babies, pseudo-sexual hot zombie action and a mother-son Freudian overtone that’s about as heavy-handed as you can get.

Oh yeah … and a guy slaughtering a roomful of zombies with a farking LAWNMOWER TURNED SIDEWAYS!!!!11!!

Observe … ass kicking kung-fu priest!

Dammit this movie messed me up. Very similar to I Am Legend (which was not a zombie movie, otherwise it may have made this list due to awesome firearmage). I love the survival horror genre when it comes to video games - this movie was a great film example of survival horror. Guy in a coma wakes up 28 days after an infection called the “Rage” virus basically destroys everything. It all starts when some animal-loving militants try to spring a bunch of infected chimps. Cilian Murphy was awesome in this movie and there are some amazingly creepy scenes of … well … nothing … in the middle of the city.

All right, first of all, this is Milla Jovovich as Alice. Milla Jovovich … in THOSE boots … and THAT dress … killing zombie attack dogs with head-shots and a wall-springing roundhouse kick? If you don’t like this scene, you must be a corpse. If you ARE a corpse, this just might pump some life back into you.

Okay, okay … maybe they’re not REALLY zombies. I don’t care. This is one of the funniest movies E-V-E-R. The whole damn movie is quotable in one way or another. Bruce Campbell is The King (actually, he WAS “The King” in Bubba Ho-Tep - a great movie if you’re a big Bruce Campbell fan. Here, he’s just the hilarious ass-kicking king). It’s impossible to pick one scene from this movie … or one one-liner. I choose GROOVY:

This movie had it ALL. Scary moments. WTF moments, but overall it was one of the funniest and off-beat movies I’ve ever seen and it was just plain farking great. Hilarious dark horror and the perfect mix, too. All without saying the word “ZOMBIE!” Now … go check of the coast is clear …

And there you have it. Sure, there are zombie movies I haven’t seen, but from what I have (and I’ve seen quite a few), you can’t really go wrong with any of these. Well … Dead Alive might actually make you throw up, but it’s entertaining otherwise! If you haven’t seen Shaun of the Dead, and you enjoy horror movies with brilliant dark humor, drop what you’re doing and go see it. Right now.

Most of all …

Happy Halloween!

… expect them to defend Sarah Palin. In a big stupid column about how Palin is a “diva”, here’s the run-down of this woman’s argument against defending her.

First, this:

Palin reportedly also annoyed some McCain insiders by calling their robocalls “irritating” and by second-guessing the campaign’s move out of Michigan.

That’s not “diva-like”. That’s accurate. Robocalls are irritating. So are annoying “columnists”.

This is great stuff right here:

But I refuse to defend Palin against this diva-bashing, although I often take up women’s causes in this column.

Yeeeeeah, sure. And why?

Palin brought this negativity upon herself.

Right. It’s her fault that a dummy dressed like her is hanging from a noose, too. I believe that. This is the same stupid argument as, “If those girls didn’t dress like that, they wouldn’t be getting raped.” They’re all bringing it upon themselves because of their choices. Nonono. Sexism - and in Palin’s case - blatant furious anger from the Left - is coming for no other reason than she disagrees with Lefty thought. It has nothing to do with her “bringing it upon herself”. You either defend everyone, or you admit that you defend only those who agree with you, which is exactly what’s going on in this soiled toilet-paper piece of a column. “I usually defend women … but NOT PALIN!”

Since the governor made her way from Alaska, Palin has spread enough half-truths and distortions about her Democratic opponents to merit some ill-will hurtling in her direction.

She deserves it, see? Like some tramp walking around in high-heels deserves to be dragged off, beaten, and abused. It’s all their fault they look like that anyway, right? Shouldn’t they know better? Shouldn’t Palin know better not to attack her political opponents? You know, she should practice getting rid of her stupid accent because with it she deserves to be made fun of as some backwoods hick, too.

Now for the big payoff:

She knows that Obama isn’t a terrorist or a socialist, but she refuses to stop the inflammatory rhetoric and racially coded language. And that crazy statement about Obama wanting to “punish hard work,” what’s with that?

Uhhh … couple of points here.

1) She didn’t call Obama a terrorist. She said he was pals with terrorists. Which is the same as saying, “He hung out in some guy’s living room that just so happened to bomb a whole bunch of U.S. Institutions.” In other words, it’s totally accurate. YOU are the one who is lying, Ms. Armstrong.

2) She doesn’t “know that Obama isn’t a socialist”. Again, a lie by Ms. Armstrong. Obama IS a socialist. Palin thankfully has the guts to say what a whole lot of people are thinking. Yeah, a guy who hangs out with Marxist professors, tells someone he wants to “spread the wealth around”, and laments that damned flawed Constitution of ours is a socialist. He deserves every bit of scorn and anger directed at him for trying to steer this country away from it’s roots as the cradle of liberty and into an age of Euro-socialism where everything for everybody is provided by the benevolent behemoth of the federal government.

3) Racially coded language my ass. If Obama didn’t want race brought up he shouldn’t have been black! See how ridiculous that argument is? Legitimate criticism of someone’s qualifications, associations, and ideals is not racism. “Don’t vote for that guy … BECAUSE HE’S BLACK!” isn’t the same as, “Don’t vote for that guy … BECAUSE HE’S A SOCIALIST!” Feeble-minded MSM types don’t get that, though.

Finally … “what’s with that” whole punishing hard work thing? Well, when you ask people who have good business minds that are successful to start forking over more of what they’ve earned to the government so they can give it to people who did not directly earn that … it’s punishing hard work.

They sure do grow them stupid these days, don’t they?

Gotta love a major-league starting pitcher who dashes off to the range before pitching in a World Series game!

Hell yeah!

… I stumbled across a tattoo forum. Nothing of interest there for me but one comment on the forum was pretty hilarious and I thought I’d share it with you:

I was working the other day with a guy that is 62 years old. He has a tatoo of the grim reaper on his inner forearm that I am sure he got a very long time ago. I am sure at the time he thought it was great. I am sure he thought that it showed everyone what a bad *** he was. I work as a paramedic. How does that look to a patient when the guy working on them has a tatoo of the grim reaper on his arm ?

I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there.

I was trying to think of what might be a suitable song to represent the coming election next week. Figured I’d throw out a few ideas … feel free to chime in with your own …

First possibility? Stealer’s Wheel …

“Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you … “

Does any other lyrical line known to man better describe our political left, right, and citizens tired of both, any better?

Second possibility? Limp Bizkit …

Perhaps not your cup of tea. But I’ll tell you what, “It’s all about the he-said, she-said bullshit,” pretty much sums up politics and the MSM.

And … “Give me something to break,” pretty much sums up how fed up I am with most of it. Heh.

Third possibility? The Asshole Song.

“Two words. Nuclear Fucking Weapons, OKAY!?” There’s your 2008 foreign policy in a nutshell right there, folks.

Bacon apple pie. That’s like a big plate of awesome. Pork and fruit. Pig pie. “SQUEEEEEEE, UMP, UMP, UMP” Dessert. No matter how you say it, it’s fantastic.

You know you want to …

“Honkey-Ass Racist Whitey Can’t-Jump Cracka Motherfuckas for John McCain”

What’s with the headline, seriously? Couldn’t come up with anything clever to rhyme with “Factor”? I mean … “Cracker Factor”? Was “Is John McCain Banking On The Nigger Nightmare In PA” just too … I don’t know … black for you, John Baer?

Maybe it’s close in PA because people - black, white, yellow, red, purple, green, orange or whatever - are kind of annoyed at the whole socialist thing. But of course, a vote AGAINST Obama is considered a vote FOR racism to our esteemed elite media.

Assholes. Can we just launch these stupid bastards into Canada? Seriously. Hurl them into Ontario with a nice, shiny circus cannon.

Microsoft Silverlight.