This is probably one of the more ridiculous things I’ve read in a long time … when are the anti-folks going to stop lying? Never, that’s when.

When Deputy Chief James Scott started with the New Orleans Police Department 36 years ago, the criminal weapon of choice was the Saturday Night Special, a cheap, low-quality handgun that packed little punch and wasn’t capable of doing much damage.

Oh yeah. I get shot by those all the time. Leaves welts. Dumbass. Wasn’t capable of doing much damage? Put it against your head and pull the trigger, it will definitely change your mind … by splattering it outta yer skull.

Three decades later, Scott admits to being terrified at some of the weapons police discover on the streets of New Orleans such as the “street sweeper,” a modified shotgun capable of shooting up to 12 rounds of shells.

Where can I get one? Ebay? No?

“The only purpose for a gun like that is to kill people,” Scott said. “It’s not for hunting or target practice — it’s just a killing machine. That’s a pretty terrifying weapon.”

It’s a counter-insurgency weapon and it’s classified as a destructive device, which means I doubt highly that gun shops in the area are pushing these things out after just a wee little background check and a $200 payment. I could sit here and say, “OMG! He had an RPG! That’s not for plinking or killing groundhogs!” This Deputy Chief James Scott fellow is acting as if though he sees Strikers out there every night. But oh no! Here comes the biggest line of bullshit … like … EVER …

“We also see a lot of AK-47s. Since the hurricane, we’ve confiscated 6,000.”

Six thousand AK-47s? According to the census bureau (yeah, it’s a wikipedia cite, go away if you don’t like it), post-Katrina population of New Orleans in 2007 is approximately 274,000. 60% of it’s pre-Katrina population.

6,000 AK-47s in a population of 274,000 (according to the 2007 census) would indicate to me that you’ve got one AK-47 per approximately 46 residents. New Orlean’s population immediately following Katrina was 223,000. So clearly, everyone in New Orleans had an AK-47. Grannies. Babies. Mentally ill. Felons. Probably some dogs and cats too, you know. All of ‘em were wandering around with mil-surp wonderfulness strapped to their back.

Bullshit. Either a knowing blatant lie, or a gross misquote.

But where do criminals get such high-powered weaponry?

Ebay for $100!!!

Contrary to popular belief, they do not purchase them through sinister back channels on the black market from shadowy arms dealers. The majority of guns the NOPD confiscates were at one point purchased legally, eventually finding their way into the hands of drug dealers through two simple methods — burglary and straw purchases, where the criminal gets someone with a clean record to buy the weapon.

Can’t do that. That’s illegal.

Most of the guns the NOPD confiscates are stolen from a legal gun owner’s home or vehicle. The sad thing, Scott said, is that this can be avoided.

Right. By paying attention and shooting the slimy little cretin when he breaks into your car at 2AM. Or, you can hook up a car battery to your door handles with a little bit of clever wiring. Put a switch on your dash to control it. That’ll be the last door that shocked little bastard will try to get into. Heh.

“People will leave guns in unlocked cars and it angers us because it gives someone access to a weapon that can be used on a citizen or law enforcement officer. It’s a matter of people being too lazy to pick their gun up and bring it into their house. They just think no one is going to break into their car because they can’t see the gun.

And when one out of 50 cars has an AK-47 sitting on the passenger seat, it’s a criminal’s dream!

“But the next thing you know, their gun is missing and it’s out on the street where it can change hands five times and that’s a scary thing.

Strikers and AK-47s for everyone! Like handing out cigars when a baby’s born!

“How would you feel if your gun was used in a murder just because you decided to leave it in your car?”

Spare me the guilt trip, douchenozzle (thanks Nicki), I’d be pissed off because something of mine was stolen and I wasn’t there to beat the everloving shit out of the thug who did it. I didn’t pull the trigger. It’s inanimate. There’s no emotional connection there. I’d be just as pissed off if someone stole my chainsaw and hacked apart some poor sap standing at an ATM. I’d be MORE pissed off because I’d never get the damn thing back. It certainly wouldn’t be MY fault someone stole something from me and decided to kill someone with it. You know … might want to actually blame the criminal for the crime.

Straw purchases are often made through a family member or girlfriend who can make a legal purchase through a gun shop.

And you mean to tell me when they fill out the background check form, they’re checking the box that says, “Are you purchasing this weapon for someone other than yourself?” I doubt it. Of course, lying on that form is illegal too, isn’t it? Or can I just fill in “Mickey Mouse” next time I purchase a gun?

“A convicted felon can just pay a friend $50 to buy him the gun,” Scott said. “I’d say that accounts for about 30 percent of the guns we recover off the street.”

And with 6,000 confiscated AK-47s, you guys must be raking in about 5 billion handguns a day in confiscations! You sound like Dr. Evil … “Five Hundred BILLION AK-47s!!!”

Law enforcement officials say the reality is that anyone can get their hands on a firearm if they really want one.

Finally, some truth.

In Louisiana, the average child can obtain a gun within three hours, typically by taking one from a family member or a friend, said Special Agent Austin Banks with the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives New Orleans Field Division.

Okay … WTF? Are they replacing sack races with “Find Daddy’s Gun” in the local fairs now? “Okay Billy … somewhere in that haystack is a loaded Franchi Spas-12! Get ready … get set … GO!”

“Everybody knows somebody who has a legitimate gun. That’s just the way it is in Louisiana,” Banks said. “People buy guns for protection and then they hide them in the closet or stick them underneath the mattress and generally they forget about them. But the children don’t. They’re seekers and if they really want to, they’ll find that weapon.”

Apparently everybody knows somebody who has an AK-47, too. What the hell kind of degenerate mess is New Orleans according to this guy? AK-47s everywhere, lead-sniffing kids hunting them out and strapping them to their big-wheels or some such thing? Obscure semi-auto shotguns from South Africa around every other corner?

Of the 8,338 firearms the ATF confiscated in Louisiana in 2007, 2,181 or 26 percent came from New Orleans. Baton Rouge had the second highest total at 1,316 (16 percent), followed by Jefferson Parish at 1,128 (13.5 percent).

You’ll excuse me if I immediately do not believe that even 50% of those ATF seizures had anything to do with a crime and had everything to do with paperwork. I also think the ATF would be mightily concerned about where those thousands of AK-47s ended up. These numbers aren’t adding up.

The most popular gun among New Orleans criminals is the .40 caliber Glock that sells for an average of $450 and the AK-74 that can be purchased after-market at a gun show for as little as $100, Scott said.

Even more popular than the AK-47 is the .40 caliber Glock! There’s one of those for every 10 people! And …

Wait a second … AK-74s available at a gun show for $100?

Okay. That’s just funny.

But money is rarely an object to drug dealers when heavy firepower is the issue.

But lying is rarely an object to anti-gun monkeys when agendas are the issue.

“A drug dealer makes $450 in half a day’s work so they don’t blink an eye buying the high-end guns,” Scott said. “It’s glamorous for them to have the expensive weapon like the Glock compared to standing out there with a five-shot revolver.”

You think a Glock is expensive! Try purchasing a 12-shot “destructive weapon”. Does the ATF know about those?

The average gun will circulate on the streets for more than five years before it turns up in a crime and is confiscated, Banks said. And the damage it can do in that period is incalculable. So gun owners need to do everything they can to properly secure their weapons, he said.

Hey, I’ll agree with that. That’s why I carry mine broken down into the smallest parts possible and stuffed into my socks and underwear. After all, if it’s stolen, it’s just my fault. Dumbass.

“Guns in the criminal world are a high commodity,” Banks said. “They’re a necessity to the evil deeds that they do and they’ll do whatever it takes to get one.”•

That makes no sense. Gah. I need a shower.