Over at DP, there’s an 8th grade exam that shows quite clearly how crazy our public education system is these days. Before I strap on my thinking cap, pass a couple of neatly folded notes around, and check out the cheat sheet I stuffed into my Bic, here’s a summary of student knowledge:

“Nearly half of a recent class could not name a single country that bordered Israel. In an introductory journalism class, 11 of 18 students could not name what country Kabul was in, although we have been at war there for half a decade. Last fall only one in 21 students could name the U.S. secretary of defense. Given a list of four countries - China, Cuba, India, and Japan - not one of those same 21 students could identify India and Japan as democracies. Their grasp of history was little better. The question of when the Civil War was fought invited an array of responses - half a dozen were off by a decade or more. Some students thought that Islam was the principal religion of South America, that Roe v. Wade was about slavery, that 50 justices sit on the U.S. Supreme Court, that the atom bomb was dropped on Hiroshima in 1975.”

M’kay! No. 2 pencil in hand, here I go - on the topic of Geography …

1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?

Climate, much like any earth-bound process is all about opportunity. In this case, the opportunity to make piles of cash by scaring the shit out of people and convincing them that they’re going to wake up one day, walk out their front door, and fry like popcorn chicken.

It depends on many varied factors. For instance, in my home state, we’ve had the 2nd worst winter in something like 140 years, so STFU and leave me alone before I grind your ass into oblivion with my snowblower.

2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?

Wicked Witch of the West.

3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?

Well, they’re convenient to pee in when nobody’s around and you’re fishing. Other than that, blights on the landscape. We should pave them and build more Wal-Marts!

4. Describe the mountains of North America

They’re big, just like every other mountain, douchebag. Okay fine. They’re purple. And majestic.

5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia , Odessa , Denver , Manitoba , Hecla , Yukon , St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco .

Well, you just named them for me. Other than that, they look like words. And to be honest I really don’t mind John Denver, and I never liked Juan Fernandez coffee.

6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.

Well now, that depends. If you’re talking cheap labor trade, obviously that’s along the Southern border with Mexico. If you’re talking trade as in the import of Canadian goods, that’s clearly to the North (and by the way, Hockey and Kids In The Hall were the two greatest Canadian imports ever … and Molson sucks).

If you’re talking the trade of votes and cash, well that’s wherever Dem presidential candidates happen to be wandering around.

7. Name all the republics of: Europe and give the capital of each.

Wait a second … you want me to know Europe’s geography and capitals but I need to explain the climate in Kansas? Geography indeed …

8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?

Hillary lives on the East coast and she’s kind of frigid.

9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.

Well, apparently - and this is just my understanding of it - something like ten feet of cumulative snow falls down because the earth is … hotter. Then all that stuff melts some time in April … because Spring started a long time ago, I presume. The snow melts, turns the land in a 200-mile radius of my house into something resembling a muddy pit of hell, and eventually I go fishing and piss in aforementioned rivers. There you have it. The cycle of life … er … water.

10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

It spins. I’m not sure about it’s inclination but I’ve heard it tilts both ways if you know what I mean.