FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

ALEXANDRIA, VA, March 18, 2008 — The American Shooters, Sportsmen and Hunters Association of teh Second (ASSHAtS) is a non-partisan firearm advocacy group who’s mission is to bring civility and common sense back into the gun debate. ASSHAtS formed in an effort to bring some control to the gun debate. The organization has developed it’s ideology around what it calls, “The Five Buts.” This list serves as a roadmap for all ASSHAtS members and directors and is also known as the “ASSHAtS PLEDGE”:

I, insert name here, am a gun-owner … BUT … :

• … supporting individual liberty does not make us racist. We should ban guns in cities, so the Police can safely protect the law-abiding colored folk.
• … the glorification of violence serves no purpose in today’s society. By the way, did you see the new Rambo? OMG it RAWKED!
• … if we had no guns, there obviously would be no crime. It’s a historical fact that it’s impossible to kill someone without a gun.
• … the gun-lobby is made up of murderous whack-jobs. I mean who in their right mind would want one of these things in their home?
• … I support reasonable regulation of firearms. Like municipal bans, microstamping, mandatory waiting periods, closing the gunshow loophole, ammunition purchase restrictions, licensing and fingerprinting, stolen-gun reporting requirements, concealed carry bans, door-to-door seizure, capacity bans, assault weapon bans, and federal regulation of slingshots. They hurt, too. Reasonable regulation doesn’t stop us from being able to go out and slaughter Bambi in an orgy of bloody death.

Bob Bicker, President of ASSHAtS explains the groups vision thusly, “Firearms are a crucial part of this great nation’s history. We formed ASSHAtS to be an advocate for reasonable people and to restore a sense of calmness around the increasingly juvenile rhetoric surrounding the gun debate in America. We’re basically taking on all of those bloodthirsty troglodyte murderous whackjobs who believe firearm ownership has something to do with their rights.” Mr. Bicker continues, “I mean, I have a right to buy a newspaper, but the first amendment doesn’t say I can go beat your brains out with it. That’s why we can buy guns. But of course we can’t use them!”

One of ASSHAtS stated goals is re-framing the political landscape in regards to firearms, “Just because you support some measure of gun ownership,” Mr. Bicker explains, “doesn’t mean you can’t donate all of your money to the Democratic party. They support guns and stuff, too. Especially this year.” According to Mr. Bicker, ASSHAtS membership numbers illustrate the point. ASSHAtS boasts over 265 million members across America in something called a “combined membership.” “A combined membership entails the board of directors being members of the organization, and the fact that my Mom is in it and her blog gets lots of pageviews. We don’t like to think of our membership in terms of dollars because it’s so restricting. She has a very popular blog that allows us to reach a wide audience of primarily 50 to 65 year-old women who like cats.”

Paul Helmke of the Brady Campaign adds, “Common sense organizations like ASSHAtS in conjunction with grassroots organizations like the Brady Campaign extend membership numbers to something … like … four memberships for every person on earth last I counted. Take that, NRA!”

Please contact Bob Bicker via e-mail at BigBick@ASSHATS.com for more information.

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