Handing out rape whistles does not do anything to solve the problem of a serial rapist attacking college students. I am certain that I’m not the only one appalled at this reaction to a very serious problem that crosses lines of age and gender and is known as one of the more taboo topics of discussion in national media.

Do you realize who the unintended and ignored victims of rape whistles are? That’s right, our dear canine friends. Each puff of air into a rape whistle represents a full-on sonic assault upon our furry brothers of mother earth. What may seem simply like a high-pitched screech to you is full-on audiological carnage to a Shih-Tzu (pronounced “SHIT-zoo”)… a seemingly never-ending stream of airborne torture that can scar our canine friends for the remainder of their dog years.

Handing out rape whistles on a campus is like handing high-powered chainsaws to four year olds. As a loving, caring society we cannot afford toot-outs on the streets, the innocent victims of which are bludgeoned into submission by sound-wave sledgehammers that serve no logical civilian purpose but to fend off an attacking serial rapist intent on violating any number of your orifices without your explicit permission.

Why Do You Want Me In Unimaginable Anguish?

I propose another solution, one that will respect the rights of whistle owners, yet will save man’s best friend from the inherent torment of a life sacrificed by the consequences of accidental or intentional blowing.

Rape-Free Zones:

Rape-Free Zones send a strong message to any would-be criminal that rape is not permitted in a Non-Rape Zone. By making rape illegal in these areas, campus students can feel safe walking the streets at night, knowing that rapists are well aware of an area being a Rape-Free Zone.

But this is not enough.

Students for the Hindrance of Unwanted Thrusting, Undulation, and Perversion (SHUTUP) are also on board in calling for a ban of condoms and KY Jelly within a five mile radius of any university campus with a clearly marked Rape-Free Zone on it’s grounds. By restricting the availability of sexual assault weapons, the likelihood of one of these items being used in an incident of unwanted and uninvited penetration are greatly decreased.

SHUTUP is also combating the increasingly influential forced-wind lobby by instituting a “Whistle Buyback Program” being held at many campus locations where whistle-owners can turn in their unregistered whistles no-questions-asked and receive in return a morning-after pill. Getting whistles off the streets so they do not fall into the hands of careless criminals is a worthy, noble goal for the protection of our community’s innocent young puppies. Whistles to be turned in must have the mouthpiece removed and be securely locked in a separate vacuum-sealed location from the whistle in accordance with state law.

It is time the unwanted audio aggression of rape victims comes to an end! With common-sense measures such as whistle buy-back and Rape-Free Zones, the rights of human and animal alike are respected, and our community remains safer.